sophia_sol: drawing of Combeferre, smiling and holding up a finger like he's about to explain something (Default)
sophia_sol ([personal profile] sophia_sol) wrote2017-04-24 12:13 pm
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I broke up with Doctor Who in 2012

Yesterday I saw a happy gifset from an old season of New Who and had positive feelings. That's the first time I've been able to do that in YEARS.

I am not exaggerating when I say that for two years after I broke up with Doctor Who, I couldn't think about the show without crying. I eventually got over that (...mostly) and entered a stage of aggressive apathy that lasted for several more years. I guess I might be finally moving on from that into whatever might be the next stage in my... grieving process, or whatever this is.

I don't really talk much about my breakup with Doctor Who because it feels embarrassing. Spending two years crying at every mention of a tv show does not feel very mature or reasonable. Even now if I think about Doctor Who in certain ways I get teary-eyed; writing this post got me a bit misty around the edges.

And I don't even really understand why this breakup hurt me so deeply. I mean, I felt that the show had betrayed my trust in it, yes, but I've been let down by narratives before and since, and never had a reaction anywhere even close to this.

I dunno. I guess Doctor Who has always had a special place in my heart. I still miss it, or at least miss what I loved about it when I still loved it.

That gifset I saw yesterday, the one that made me smile to see, was nothing but Nine and Rose grinning infectiously at each other. Characters who loved each other and the whole weird brilliant universe was what I loved best about that show, and the expressions on their faces just captured that feeling of joy.

I don't think I'm yet at a place of being able to rewatch any of the episodes I used to love, without breaking down in tears. But for the first time I feel like maybe someday in the future I might.

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