A question for you.

[sophia_sol]

So there is a fic I am making vague stabs at trying to write. It is not going very well. This is in part because I lack some crucial information! Namely, what is it like to experience sexual attraction?

And so I turn to you for help! Are you a person who experiences sexual attraction? I would like to hear from you! What does sexual attraction feel like for you (physically? mentally? emotionally?)? When do you experience it? How often do you experience it? Do you experience it every time you see a person you would categorize as "hot" or just people you are interested in, or some third option? Do you enjoy the experience? Do you ever wish it would just go away? Is there anything else that I'm not thinking to ask because I don't know enough to ask it?

Basically I just would love anything you could tell me about what sexual attraction is like for you. And it would be wonderful to get responses from multiple people, so I can try to extrapolate outwards from multiple data points to get a fuller picture of what it is like! I am happy with long or short answers, with or without TMI, and you can of course comment anonymously if you wish.

(Also, while I'm at it, just for my own interest, would you be able to explain what it is that is enjoyable/appealing about kissing? I'm just so curious!)

Comments

[kiki_eng]

Here via calvinahobbes.

I feel like the kissing thing is a learned behaviour. When Friend A was in high school and doing the sexual exploration thing Friend A said something like "This kissing thing! It is boring! No, seriously, why this kissing thing, I would like to focus on the removal of pants thing instead. He says that the kissing thing will get better; I am unconvinced." Possibly some people take right to it, and are like, "This is awesome! I would like more of this!" but neither Friend A nor I did. When I first started kissing I think my mind responded with something like, "Well, this is boring. I'll just make my own fun then, shall I? *veers off wildly*" I think of kissing as a communications thing. It's a "there you are", an exercise in cooperative movement, an interaction, there are different tones with the amount of pressure and tongue and teeth that's used.* Every once in a while there's some combination of factors that flicks a switch in my mind, but kissing very rarely does anything for me sexually.

*On a more biological than sociological note - there's also information in their smell and the taste of their saliva.

I tend to think of a lot of sexual attraction as a kind of hind brain override. There are people that my brain decides are interesting, and so it tunes into them pretty intensely, so it's "B IS IN THE KITCHEN. YOU CAN NOT SEE THEM BUT THAT IS WHERE THEY ARE." and "B IS SPEAKING. *LISTENS*". There's a heightened awareness of them, even as I'm doing other tasks; they're something that my brain has decided is a priority. My brain is also more aware of people or things that it sees as threats, so, I also have a very keen perception of space and so on with someone who's twigged that radar - different alert system, if you will, but similar result in that respect.

Sometimes there are interesting little moments where my brain kind of skips a beat. It's jolting in kind of the same way almost falling asleep in class is, that moment where you snap out of it and your head snaps up and you are completely awake. My brain kind of trips over something - a physical sensation or someone's posture or something. (...normal, normal, normal, normal, THING, normal, normal - what just happened?!?, normal, normal, normal...) I don't have these moments very often. They last for about a second. They really throw me, because they are kind of a very blatant hind brain override; they're like a temporary hijacking or a glitch.

Hopefully some of that is useful and comprehensible and so on.

[sophia_sol]

I am fascinated (and glad) to hear that kissing doesn't always make sense (or at least not right off the bat) for sexual people too!

Thank you for your explanation of how you experience sexual attraction too! So for you sexual attraction does not have a specifically sexual component to it, only other physical stuff?

[kiki_eng]

Clarification: What do you mean by "a specifically sexual component"? (I'm not sure what you're asking.)

[sophia_sol]

Okay! Um, sorry, I'm having trouble finding a way to phrase this without sounding like I'm interrogating you or something, which, totally not what I'm doing, I'm just genuinely trying to figure stuff out.

But so I guess what I'm asking is, when you are sexually attracted to a person, you do not experience this as, mm, finding yourself having a strong desire to have sex with them (or kiss them, or whatever) when you look at them or think of them or are in their presence, and you also do not experience this as involving feelings of arousal when you look at them/think of them/are in their presence?

[kiki_eng]

:) I am not feeling interrogated (though now I am picturing Inspector Clouseau asking your question and am a little entertained).

when you are sexually attracted to a person, you do not experience this as, mm, finding yourself having a strong desire to have sex with them (or kiss them, or whatever) when you look at them or think of them or are in their presence
Not that often, no. I tend not to look at someone and think Kissing! (Or whatever!) Us! unless I'm already thinking Kissing! (Or whatever!) I would like some of that!; I don't tend to look at people and think that unless I've already got a more general desire. The way that desire feels can be pretty similar to (using non-sexual examples) I would kind of like a hug now. or IF I DO NOT GO FOR A BRISK WALK I AM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN - so there's a range in that.

you also do not experience this as involving feelings of arousal when you look at them/think of them/are in their presence?
I mostly fail to receive messages that my body sends me. Unless arousal hits me like a punch to the gut I probably will not notice. (I forget meals sometimes, too.)

...er. My asexual babbling, let me show you it. O_O

[curuchamion]

'I think of kissing as a communications thing. It's a "there you are", an exercise in cooperative movement, an interaction, there are different tones with the amount of pressure and tongue and teeth that's used.'

...this suddenly clicked with my brain. In a backwards sort of way.

Okay, see - this is complicated: I was writing a fic where I was using "play" swordfighting with wooden swords as a form of intimacy thing between two adult guys. Because, you know, it's this really intense physical two-person activity, where you have to be totally conscious of your partner and paying attention to all their nonverbal communication in order for nobody to get hurt. (So, in my head, it's kind of a nonsexual "I give myself to you" thing: "I give you my attention, my trust, my energy - and I am totally going to pwn the hell out of you if you don't watch out." *g*)

So anyway. I had this whole thing about how there has to be kind of a formalized first-strike-and-parry thing in order to let your partner clue in to how you're feeling, what level of scrap you're in the mood for. And... IDK, just - with the way you put that about kissing, I was suddenly "OMG that's it! Kissing is the sexual equivalent of that thing! Stuff makes so much more sense now!"

(So, er, of course I had to write an insanely long and late comment saying so. ;P Tl;dr: thank you for your very clear explanation. *smile*)

Re: ...er. My asexual babbling, let me show you it. O_O

[kiki_eng]

I'm glad that was useful for you. :) It took me a while to figure out the kissing thing; I suspect that other people's approaches to it are a little (or a lot) different.

The swords thing is interesting and makes me think a little about how that kind of footage gets used in vidding. There's this clip that I've seen in Highlander vids (I've not seen any of the source) of Duncan with a sword to Methos' throat at the end of a duel and there's this look on Methos' face.